Cheating — Infidelity — Affairs
Cheating
— So Many Questions!
- What should I do?
- How can I be sure?
- What exactly is cheating, and what is not cheating?
- Affair, or one-night stand?
- Should I get proof? Private detective? Phone bill? Credit card bill?
- Is this the end?
- Can couples / marriages survive after cheating?
- Should I accuse him / her? Ask if something is going on? Be quiet until I’m sure?
- Is it possible to forgive and start fresh?
- Can I ever trust him / her again?
- Do I want to stay together?
- Is it possible for our relationship / marriage to survive this?
So Many Questions!
When infidelity happens or even
when it is suspected, this will probably be the most
difficult challenge your relationship or marriage will ever
face.
First, let’s get one thing out of the way. If
cheating always meant the end of the couple, we
wouldn’t have bothered to include this page. About
two-thirds of our clients are couples, and half of them
appear because of known or suspected cheating.
Not too long ago, everyone knew what sex meant, and
everyone knew what cheating meant. Everyone knew whether
certain behaviors constituted cheating or not.
Today, things have gotten more complicated. One reason is
that so many things can occur online, that people can
sometimes be unsure whether a particular online behavior is
— or is not — cheating. The second reason is
that some people have different ideas about which physical
acts are cheating, and which are not really cheating.
Surveys reveal that many people do not regard oral sex as
sex, for example, so it could not possibly be cheating.
Here’s the simple truth. A good therapist
doesn’t make this decision for you. If you feel the
need to wonder whether a certain behavior is cheating or
not, then
it is cheating. If you are not absolutely sure
whether or not a behavior is cheating, then
it is cheating. This is equally true if you are
the one engaging in the behavior, or if your partner is the
one. Cheating can range from texting to intercourse.
Cheating is defined not by what people have done with their
bodies; it is defined by what’s in their
hearts.
Clear enough?
Affairs — Infidelity — Cheating —
whatever you call it, it can tear your heart out with
grief, anger, jealousy, or other powerful negative
feelings. We won’t kid you; cheating sometimes means
the end of a couple because of a total loss of trust.
Believe it or not, there is some hopeful news. Many couples
somehow survive an affair, and go on to live happily
together forever. Much depends on how much trust existed
before the affair even happened. Much depends on how you
both behave after the affair has been discovered. Also, the
details sometimes matter a lot. Was it a one-night stand
after too many drinks on a business trip? Or was it a
longer, secret relationship, carefully hidden from you? Is
it over, or still going on? These differences matter a
great deal. There is a very big difference between a moment
of weakness and bad judgment, and a sneaky affair conducted
behind one’s back.
How to Catch a Cheater
If you found your way here
because you want tips on how to catch your partner
cheating, these words are for you.
The game you are playing has no winners —
ever. Everyone loses. There can be
only two results. Either you’re wrong, and the damage
you do with your suspicion will destroy any chance of
saving your relationship. Or maybe you’re right.
Enjoy the brief moment of triumph while you think, “I
knew it, I knew I was right,” because things only get
much worse after that.
As soon as your brief feel-good moment is over, your
relationship will be over too — permanently. Sadly,
chances are that your future relationships will crash and
burn too, destroyed by your obsession with catching
cheaters. The lesson you haven’t yet learned is that
people who aren’t able to trust actually attract
cheating partners. That’s right — your
suspicion actually attracts people who are most likely to
cheat on you. In the long run, your suspicion will destroy
any chance you might have had to find a trusting and
trustworthy partner, and to live happily. Your choice is a
simple one: either learn how to be trusting and
trustworthy, or doom yourself to one bad ending after
another, and a life full of bitter disappointments.
Of one thing you can be sure. If your main goal is to catch
your partner cheating, then
things will always end badly, whether or not you were right
about your suspicions.
How to Confront a Cheating Partner
If this is your first question,
then you will probably make things worse than they already
are. Of course you’re furious. Naturally you feel
betrayed, deceived, and violated. When people experience
these powerful emotions, their natural instinct is to
“confront” the perpetrator. Take a few deep
breaths, and ask yourself what is likely to happen
immediately after you have confronted your partner.
Denials? Begging for your forgiveness? Blaming it on you?
Minimizing the infidelity by saying it meant nothing; it
was just sex? After you’ve thought of all the
possible responses, you will quickly realize that every
possible reaction would only make you more angry and hurt
than you already feel.
Why? Because you have just forced a guilty partner into a
corner that will feel very threatening and scary.
“And why shouldn’t I?”, you may ask.
After all, he/she deserves to squirm! And maybe you would
be right. But what will happen after you savor the feeling
of being right and watch all that squirming? The answer:
total meltdown. There’s nowhere to go from there!
This is an example of how acting on our ancient instincts,
which evolved during a time when we had to
“confront” attacking wolves, can let us down by
making an awful situation even worse.
No sensible person would dispute your right to confront the
cheater. Of course you have that right. The more important
question is whether confrontation is wise. Is it the best
way to serve your interests, or is it the express train to
the end of your relationship or marriage?
These are very tough questions. You have probably never
faced these questions before in your life. An experienced
marriage counselor must consider these questions almost
every day. Now is the time to get help, without delay,
before you say or do something you may regret for a very
long time.
What can a couples counselor like Dr. Ransen do to help?
Sometimes, not much. But quite
often, your relationship can not only be saved, but even
renewed and reborn in a form that’s deeper and more
trusting than it ever was before. Honest. We see this
happen very, very often. For one thing, we’ve seen
all the dead ends, so we may be able to guide you away from
them. We’ve also seen the roads to recovery, and we
can help you find those roads.
Cheating
First-Aid — Important Do’s and Don’ts
When You Discover an Affair
Just like helping someone who
almost drowned, what you do when you first discover an
affair is extremely important, and may change your life and
your partner’s life forever. Please read these
first-aid instructions carefully:
Don’t:
- Do not panic. Every move you make now may affect the rest of your life.
- Resist any urge you may have to become (or hire) a private detective. Snooping is a nasty game with no winners; it always makes things worse. Forget the cell phone bills, internet browsing histories, and emails. Two wrongs do not make a right, remember? Don’t snoop. If your suspicion turns out to be mistaken, then you could destroy a wonderful relationship. Even if you’re right, you may kill any chance of surviving the affair. Please, think about this very carefully.
- If you have already been snooping or spying in order to find evidence of cheating, please stop now. You must understand that anger and the desire for revenge are negative, destructive emotions, and no good can come of them. If you seek professional help now, you just may be able to stop the bleeding and save the marriage or relationship.
- Instead of snooping, just ask. Yup, just ask. Chances are, you’ll know if the answer is truthful or not. This must be your first step, because everything else depends on your behavior after you learn if the affair was real or not.
- Even if you’re not sure, your suspicion should not be swept under the rug. Sure or not, find an experienced couples counselor immediately. Every day you put it off will only make things worse. Counselors may have 5 years’ or ten years’ experience or more. Dr. Ransen has 32 years’ experience and 15 years’ graduate training. Qualified couples counselors know how to help in these situations. Do you? We know what we’re doing, and we’re not emotionally involved.
- If you are the one cheating, then the first thing you should know is that your partner will find out, sooner or later. Some cheaters believe they can keep their affair(s) going, if they are very careful. Your partner will find out, no matter how careful you are. So you should ask yourself this question: “Do I tell my partner now, or keep things going in the hope that I can keep my behavior secret?” Ask yourself which will be worse — you confess now, or your partner finds out independently? The answer is so simple. If you tell the truth and seek help, then maybe you can minimize the damage to everyone involved, and stop the bleeding. Otherwise, you are dooming yourself and everyone else involved to years of terrible pain and misery. If there are kids involved, you will probably be punishing them for many years, no matter how much you love them.
Infidelity is not a death sentence. Many couples can and do survive, and some even benefit from a new and deeper kind of trust. How you react matters. Please — no matter how bad things may seem — seek qualified help, before you make a mistake you may regret for a very long time.