Almost two-thirds of my clients are couples, and helping them has become my specialty over the years. If I have a bias, it is to help couples to stay together. Ever since I began practicing in the Boca Raton / Delray Beach area, I have never advised a couple to separate or divorce, and I doubt that I ever will.
Is that just wishful thinking?
No, I truly believe that couples can find that wonderful
place again, and I’ve seen it happen so many times
that I know I can help.
One of the most common complaints I hear comes from women
who say that their partners refuse to accompany them to see
a therapist. This especially true in cases where there has
been some physical abuse or verbal
abuse. I am asked very often, what should
a woman do in that situation? Therapy alone is
unlikely to be successful, and persuading her partner to
join her seems impossible. What’s the answer?
As hard as it may be for you to understand your
partner’s resistance to therapy, you should remember
that most people make decisions that make sense to them. If
your partner refuses to join you, it is probably because
your partner has decided that doing nothing is easier and
less painful than working to improve your relationship.
When you look at it this way, your best course of action
becomes obvious. Your job is to show your partner
that doing nothing will be more difficult and more painful
than seeking help. The decision will become simple
— your partner will do whatever is easiest, and most
likely join you in couples therapy. Always remember: The
trick to seeking help is recognizing that NOT seeking help
is very hard work.
OK, convincing your partner may not be easy for you. You
too must decide which option will be better in the long
run. If you truly believe that you cannot go on the way
things are going, then you must do whatever is required to
get your partner onboard. If you feel that a crisis is
coming soon or has already arrived, then couples therapy
may be the only way to make things better. Are you
willing to do whatever it takes to convince your
partner that you’re serious?
Do you have a safe place to stay (with the kids, if any)
for a little while? Consider that such drastic action may
be the only way to get your partner’s attention. As
long as you allow the current situation to continue, you
are signaling that it’s easier to ignore problems
than to solve them. If you threaten to leave temporarily
— and have the courage to do that if necessary
— then your partner will be motivated to think again,
guaranteed. If your partner becomes afraid of losing you,
then I’ll be seeing you both for couples therapy. If
not, then you may have made the very best decision for
yourself (and the kids), and you will have learned a
life-saving lesson. In either case, change will occur, and
it will be change for the better.
Think about it.