Women in Trouble
Dr. Ransen often hears from women whose partners don’t want to join them for couples counseling. This is his advice:
Many women ask me how they can persuade their reluctant partners to join them for couples therapy. Here is my message to you.
Almost two-thirds of my clients are couples, and helping them has become a specialty over the years. If I have a bias, it is to help couples to stay together happily. I have never advised a couple to separate or divorce, and I hope that I never will. I am especially proud of the reputation I have earned among other Marriage Counselors in this area.
Is that just wishful thinking?
No, I truly believe that most
couples can find that wonderful place
again, and I’ve seen it happen so many times
that I know I can help.
One of the most common complaints I hear comes from women
who say that their partners refuse to accompany them to see
a therapist or marriage counselor. This is especially true
if there has been some physical or
verbal abuse, or suspicion of an affair. I
am asked very often, what should a woman
do in that situation? Therapy for the woman alone
is unlikely to be successful, and persuading her partner to
join her seems impossible. What’s the answer?
As hard as it may be for you to understand your
partner’s resistance to therapy, you should remember
that most people make decisions that make sense to
them. If your partner refuses to join you, it is
because your partner has decided that doing nothing is
easier and less painful than working to improve your
relationship.
When you look at it this way, your best course of action
becomes obvious. If you truly want to repair your
relationship, your job is to persuade your partner
that doing nothing will be more difficult and more painful
than seeking help. The decision will become simple
(if not always easy) — your partner will take the
path of least resistance, and most likely join you in
couples counseling. Always remember: The trick to seeking
help is recognizing that NOT seeking help is always more
difficult. Waiting leads to nothing but more pain.
OK, convincing your partner may not be so easy for you. You
too must decide which option will be better in the long
run. If you truly believe that you cannot continue the way
things are going, then you must do whatever is required to
get your partner’s attention. If you feel that a
crisis is coming soon or has already arrived, then couples
counseling may be the only way to make things better.
Are you willing to do whatever it takes to
convince your partner that you’re serious?
Do you have a safe place to stay (with the kids, if any)
for a little while? Are you prepared to insist that your
partner leave for a while? Consider that such drastic
action may be the only way, as a last resort, to get your
partner’s attention. As long as you allow the current
situation to continue, you are signaling that it’s
easier to ignore your problems than to solve them. If you
indicate that you may have to separate temporarily —
and if you have the courage to do that if necessary —
then I promise that your partner will be motivated to think
again, guaranteed. If your partner becomes concerned about
losing you, then I’ll be seeing you both soon for
couples therapy. If not, then you may have made the very
best decision for all concerned, and you will have learned
a life-saving lesson. In either case, change will occur,
and it will be change for the better.
Think about it.