Too much baggage?

We all seem to know when we’re carrying too much emotional baggage. And we all seem to know when others are overloaded as well.

OK. So how do we lighten the load, or gently suggest that others might benefit from doing the same?

The secret to letting go is recognizing that hanging on is hard work.

Oh, just put a sock in it, already!

If you’re like me, you are really tired of the B.S. that most “marriage experts” keep spewing out, as if they actually knew what they were talking about. Here’s a typical example I found (with a few of my nasty comments inserted. Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself):

Midlife Divorce: Blame It On Your Parents? Or your teacher, or your aunt, or the school bus driver?

Your parents’ divorce might be setting the stage for your own. Hello? That stage closed 30 years ago! There’s a McDonald’s on that spot today.

Shannon, a 48 year old client of mine, recently explained her “aha” moment when discussing the issues behind her impending divorce. She married her husband because he “completed” her — masking low self-esteem and feelings of not being worthy of love. Pu-leeze!

It wasn’t until after therapy and introspection that she realized she had fallen into a relationship trap: Trying to fill a void of lost love left by her parents’ divorce, and the loss of a relationship with her mother, when she was just 5 years old. Can I take a short nap now?

Seeking a rescue, not a relationship

Shannon considered her husband a real catch. She thought her knight in shining armor cared about her every move. He guided her through life, managed the finances and left all aspects of parenting to her.

You see, when Shannon’s parents divorced, her mother left; her father remarried, but this union did not provide her with the love and nurturing she so desperately needed. Cue the violins. What happened in childhood then, has a significant impact on how romantic relationships are handled now, as an adult. Zzzzzz…

According to Dr. Michelle Mitcham, a professor of counseling and a divorce expert, (I’m no divorce expert; I help people repair marriages) an individual’s self esteem is affected because they feel rejected. (I guess she could use a grammar lesson, too). The loss of the parental relationship due to divorce results in a lack of trust. I wonder how many times Michelle’s been divorced?

“People have different beliefs, and this leaves certain behaviors. If your cognition is on some level, I’m a bad person, or I’m not worthy, or at some level there is something that you think you did to deserve it, the lines get blurred. What messages are you giving yourself, even if they are subliminal?” You following any of this? I’m lost!

Dr. Mitcham helps her patients cope with the loss of a parent, and to heal by working on these 5 significant messages.

1. Look to your family of origin for answers. Great! Now you can repeat all their mistakes.

It is important to resolve any issues that could be playing out in your relationship and are undermining it. For instance, people get into a relationship looking for things that they were missing growing up. If the relationship looks attractive, individuals may leap into it hoping for nurturing and love for themselves without taking the time to really get to know the other person. Slow down and get to know prospective partners. Wow! She needed a PhD to figure that out?

2. Stop repeating the same relationship mistakes. Duh!

People often marry, or get into a relationship for all the wrong reasons. They are looking to feel complete, because they haven’t resolved things in the past. Many times, they don’t feel that they are worthy. Cheek bones too low? Then they find themselves in an unfulfilling relationship, not really sure why they are giving into that relationship. Figure out what you are looking for, and love yourself — you are worthy of love and respect, and worthy of a healthy relationship. Great! That did a lot of good for the Woodstock generation.

3. You don’t have to be less of who you are to be in a good relationship. Huh?

Write out the ideal relationship: What you need in someone that you are compatible with. Good luck finding it. You have to feel complete and feel like you have to stand on your own two feet before you can be happy in that relationship. The other person doesn’t complete you because they are not the answer to your unresolved issues. (That grammar again)

4. Normalize your feelings. Oh? My feelings are abnormal? Should I take an antidepressant?

Uncover your issues and find out what you didn’t receive growing up. Don’t forget that new tricycle you never got. Then you can fix it and move forward, because you understand the why, and how this changes your reactions. Remember you’re not alone: Other people feel this way too. That should make you feel sooo much better.

5. Develop introspection and understanding.

You might want to work with a therapist or do some journaling in all your spare time to help you think through the issues, and what you need to do to fix them. Bottom line is you need to know that you are worthy of love and worthy of a nurturing relationship, and figure out what exactly that looks like to you. Higher cheek bones?

If you rush into a relationship without understanding where you were, then you won’t know where you are going. Huh? Is that like, “wherever you go, there you are?” Take time to understand what you have been through and why. While you may have lost a close loving relationship with a parent, you need to come to terms with that, and develop a loving relationship with yourself. Please, when you figure out how to do that, let me know.

When you move in a positive direction from what you are used to, you very likely will feel some anxiety. Great! Just what I needed: more anxiety. Embrace it. It may sound clichéd but it’s true: You have to truly love yourself, before you can really love someone else. I think I’m gonna cry now.

Dr. Dave

In case you were curious, that’s not at all what couples are told when they seek my help!

Way better than expensive shrinks!

I’ve been seeing psychiatrists and psychologists for quite a few years, and I’m only 34. I swear, therapy with Dr. Ransen is something I’ve never even heard of before, much less experienced. His solution-focused approach takes almost all the pain out. Beginning 15 minutes into our first session, we never talked about problems again. Only solutions. What a confidence-builder. What’s really amazing is that I really was able to make the solutions happen, for the first time. Dr. Ransen breaks things up into what he calls “baby steps” so each solution is really easy. Before I knew it, I had fixed a bunch of things that I had been missing for so long. 5 stars!

Symmetry and leverage

We can think of “symmetry” in a number of ways. The more you contribute in your therapy, the more you will affect your significant others. Or, the more you contribute, the more you’ll get back in return. There are lots of ways to look at symmetry. Some are not very different from the idea of Karma.

“Leverage” is an idea familiar to those with experience in the world of business (or science, or the military). A little contribution, applied at a carefully-chosen time and place, can have an out-sized, mind-blowing impact; one that far exceeds what we may have expected based on our modest efforts.

The ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is widely quoted as having said, “Give me whereon to stand, and I will move the earth.” All he needed was a lever and a place to put it; his only-human power would be vastly multiplied.

In more modern times, Thomas Jefferson is quoted as saying, “The good opinion of mankind, like the lever of Archimedes with the given fulcrum, moves the world.”

Yadda-yadda. I’m sure you can find many similar quotes based on the wisdom of Archimedes. If you have been my client for even a little while, then you have probably heard me say that baby-steps can often have huge consequences. See the parallel?

Even a very modest change in our behavior or language, when made at the right times, can alter profoundly our most important relationships. And here’s the best part: Because the effort required of you is so small, and the risks so tiny, you have nearly nothing to lose in case I’m wrong. And, of course, the efforts are all free. How could a therapist possibly make suggestions more attractive than that? What options could I offer that carry less risk, and promise so much?

Here’s something to think about. If taking a very small risk with the chance of winning a very large reward is too scary for you, then it raises an obvious question — are you truly ready for therapy? Occasionally I meet a client is is not yet ready to change — not even a little. Is there any way I can help you to move to that place, beyond making a simple suggestion? Or must you begin there in order for me to be of any help at all?

Ever heard this dumb joke? “How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the bulb must WANT to change.” I think maybe there’s some truth in that joke.

Feedback! More feedback!

OK, I was trained to be observant, and to look for signs of progress (or lack of progress). But of course there are limits, and there is plenty that I miss.

Nothing can take the place of honest feedback, Here you can express yourself anonymously. If you prefer, you can identify yourself. Everyone will benefit if you are anonymous. And everyone including you will benefit if you choose to identify yourself.

Either way, you will have done a good thing. Congratulate yourself for having made a tangible difference in the quality of therapy for all clients, including yourself. Congratulate yourself for having improved your small corner of the world! The more of you who acquire this habit, the more corners will benefit.

And of course, you have my deepest thanks!

David

Patience, please…

This blog is under construction.

Dr. Dave’s Blog

We welcome everything from random thoughts to hard science, any contribution that you believe may be valuable to those seeking better solutions to life’s challenges.

P.S. It was at a poker game in 1978 when someone first called me Dr. Dave. Another man at the table was also a doctor, but for some reason he got stuck with the name, Mr. Mike. Probably because of the matching first letters (alliteration, for you English majors). Too bad for him. I guess you had to be there. It was probably more amusing after having drained a few beers. Anyway, the names kinda stuck among the poker regulars, but I don’t generally share them with new acquaintances. Perhaps a revival is in order, just to lighten things up a little. Sounds dumb and juvenile in retrospect, doesn’t it? Some things are funnier, I guess, when you’re 26 years old and a little tipsy. No one actually calls me that, by the way.

Delray Holistic Therapy

This is the place where everyone has a voice. Existing and prospective clients are welcome to post any thoughts that pop into their minds. People who are just passing through are encouraged to ask questions, and to tell us what you have (and have NOT) liked about your experiences with therapists. Dr. David Ransen, who moderates this blog, will try to keep everyone amused and informed by posting all sorts of goodies, ranging from random thoughts based on (unidentified) cases, the latest scientific evidence about therapy that really works, therapy that maybe works, and therapy that is definitely a waste of time and money.

You may choose to remain anonymous. In that case, no one at all can identify you, including Dr. Ransen. The point is that you should feel free to express your true opinions without being concerned about hurting anyone’s feelings.

Who knows what else may crop up here? Surprises are good. Please feel free to tell us what you’d like to see, and we’ll do our very best to accommodate you.