Too much baggage?

We all seem to know when we’re carrying too much emotional baggage. And we all seem to know when others are overloaded as well.

OK. So how do we lighten the load, or gently suggest that others might benefit from doing the same?

The secret to letting go is recognizing that hanging on is hard work.

Thanks!

Duh. We really do understand what “leverage” means, and how important it has been for our relationship. Dr.  Ransen showed us that tiny, really easy changes can have  big consequences if we make the right little changes at the right times. This is the first time a therapist has helped us in ways that we really think are permanent. It’s not rocket science, and he showed us how to do it in less than two months. We’re so grateful, and we wish we had found him two years ago. We had seen some younger therapists who were very nice, but whatever help they gave us never lasted. This time we’re very sure that we know what we’re doing, and we’ll never go back to that awful relationship full of arguments.

Thanks Dr. Dave!

J.B., Boca Raton

How could I be so dumb? Why can’t I answer the most common question I’m asked?

“Why would he (she) want to do that (say that)?”

This is by far the question I hear most often. You pay me hard-earned money. Am I withholding an answer from you? Or am I truly clueless? Is either excusable?

OK. No fancy psycho-babble excuses. First, I almost never know the answer. Second, when I think I do, it’s always a guess, and you deserve better than that. Third, I’m working too hard to ponder questions about why things are the way they are. Finally, and most important, if I knew the answer and told it to you, nothing in your life would get better. Nothing in your life would get better. Nothing in your life would get better.

I’ve often read that Zen masters like to ask their students, “What is the sound of one hand clapping?” Pretty cool, and maybe deep. But Zen students take many years to become monks, and we don’t have that kind of time. At every second, I’m thinking of what I can do to help you solve the problems in your life, as soon as possible. No, I’m not Jesus or Mohammed or Moses, just a hard-working therapist doing my best to help.

What’s Wrong with Me?

After all this time, I still care. A lot. Even worse, I’m still not very good at hiding my feelings from you, my clients. Why can’t I be detached and uncaring like other doctors? Or, at least, pretend that I’m uncaring? Wouldn’t I appear to be more professional?

I’m no saint, and I’m not blessed with a super-human measure of empathy. But I do recall a few times in my life when uncaring doctors caused me so much misery that I later swore I’d never become like the people who had made me feel so small, unimportant, and vulnerable.

Some of you know that I once suffered from very severe migraine headaches. Sometimes a trip to the emergency room was my only option. On a few occasions, I arrived at dinner time, and wasn’t treated (a simple injection) until 3:00 am. I still cannot possibly describe the agony I endured during those hours, while I watched the doctors and nurses come and go, ignoring me as they carried coffee and doughnuts for each other.

On another occasion, a neurologist prescribed a medication which has no standard dose. Doctors must carefully determine what dose is appropriate for each patient. The tricky part is that too little has no effect, while too much can be suddenly fatal. So doctors must slowly increase the dosage (titration), taking blood tests after each dose, watching very carefully for signs of “neurotoxicity,” which can shut down the brain in minutes without warning.

This doctor irresponsibly prescribed a dosage for me on a Friday afternoon, suggesting that I check in with him on Monday morning. I was told nothing about the possible risks, or about warning signals. While celebrating my in-laws’ anniversary on Saturday morning, I suddenly felt light-headed and dizzy. I lost my balance, falling to the floor. I was rushed to the hospital, where the ER physicians quickly determined that I had suffered an overdose of the medication prescribed for me the day before. As one might expect, the ER doctors were quick to make excuses for the prescribing doctor.

When I returned with my wife to see the original doctor on Monday morning, my complaint and puzzlement prompted the following response, in exactly these words: “Don’t be such a cry-baby.” My wife took my hand and led me out of the office without saying a word.

Why do I still care? And why do I still wear my heart on my sleeve? Until I wrote this, I wasn’t quite sure. Now you know, and now I know.

Here’s the trade-off. The downside? Perhaps my life will be a couple of years shorter, on account of the extra stress. The upside? Every time clients announce that I shouldn’t expect them next week because they’ve gotten from therapy exactly what they came for, and when they grin from ear to ear and hug me like a long-lost friend. The choice has been an easy one for me. I thank you all as sincerely as I know how.

David

Thank you! Thank you!

Maybe you all think this is fake, but we are definitely real.

Dr. Ransen was our 4th therapist since we got married 6 years ago. It’s been a rough ride. The first therapist gave me drugs. They made me nauseous.

The second therapist told my husband that he was not mature or committed enough to be married – to me or anybody!

The third therapist gave us a bunch of tests on paper. Then he told us all the ways we were compatible and not compatible. Nothing got better.

We saw Dr. Ransen only 5 times. He found out right away what we had been doing well together, and he showed us how to do it more often and in more situations. It was really easy. The hard times sort of disappeared, because we were too busy enjoying ourselves. My friends told me I’ve become a new person. My husband actually calls me on the way home, and he can’t wait to see me. You should try this!

Thank you. Thank you!

Lauren S., Boca Raton

Symmetry and leverage

We can think of “symmetry” in a number of ways. The more you contribute in your therapy, the more you will affect your significant others. Or, the more you contribute, the more you’ll get back in return. There are lots of ways to look at symmetry. Some are not very different from the idea of Karma.

“Leverage” is an idea familiar to those with experience in the world of business (or science, or the military). A little contribution, applied at a carefully-chosen time and place, can have an out-sized, mind-blowing impact; one that far exceeds what we may have expected based on our modest efforts.

The ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is widely quoted as having said, “Give me whereon to stand, and I will move the earth.” All he needed was a lever and a place to put it; his only-human power would be vastly multiplied.

In more modern times, Thomas Jefferson is quoted as saying, “The good opinion of mankind, like the lever of Archimedes with the given fulcrum, moves the world.”

Yadda-yadda. I’m sure you can find many similar quotes based on the wisdom of Archimedes. If you have been my client for even a little while, then you have probably heard me say that baby-steps can often have huge consequences. See the parallel?

Even a very modest change in our behavior or language, when made at the right times, can alter profoundly our most important relationships. And here’s the best part: Because the effort required of you is so small, and the risks so tiny, you have nearly nothing to lose in case I’m wrong. And, of course, the efforts are all free. How could a therapist possibly make suggestions more attractive than that? What options could I offer that carry less risk, and promise so much?

Here’s something to think about. If taking a very small risk with the chance of winning a very large reward is too scary for you, then it raises an obvious question — are you truly ready for therapy? Occasionally I meet a client is is not yet ready to change — not even a little. Is there any way I can help you to move to that place, beyond making a simple suggestion? Or must you begin there in order for me to be of any help at all?

Ever heard this dumb joke? “How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the bulb must WANT to change.” I think maybe there’s some truth in that joke.

Feedback! More feedback!

OK, I was trained to be observant, and to look for signs of progress (or lack of progress). But of course there are limits, and there is plenty that I miss.

Nothing can take the place of honest feedback, Here you can express yourself anonymously. If you prefer, you can identify yourself. Everyone will benefit if you are anonymous. And everyone including you will benefit if you choose to identify yourself.

Either way, you will have done a good thing. Congratulate yourself for having made a tangible difference in the quality of therapy for all clients, including yourself. Congratulate yourself for having improved your small corner of the world! The more of you who acquire this habit, the more corners will benefit.

And of course, you have my deepest thanks!

David

Patience, please…

This blog is under construction.

Dr. Dave’s Blog

We welcome everything from random thoughts to hard science, any contribution that you believe may be valuable to those seeking better solutions to life’s challenges.

P.S. It was at a poker game in 1978 when someone first called me Dr. Dave. Another man at the table was also a doctor, but for some reason he got stuck with the name, Mr. Mike. Probably because of the matching first letters (alliteration, for you English majors). Too bad for him. I guess you had to be there. It was probably more amusing after having drained a few beers. Anyway, the names kinda stuck among the poker regulars, but I don’t generally share them with new acquaintances. Perhaps a revival is in order, just to lighten things up a little. Sounds dumb and juvenile in retrospect, doesn’t it? Some things are funnier, I guess, when you’re 26 years old and a little tipsy. No one actually calls me that, by the way.

Delray Holistic Therapy

This is the place where everyone has a voice. Existing and prospective clients are welcome to post any thoughts that pop into their minds. People who are just passing through are encouraged to ask questions, and to tell us what you have (and have NOT) liked about your experiences with therapists. Dr. David Ransen, who moderates this blog, will try to keep everyone amused and informed by posting all sorts of goodies, ranging from random thoughts based on (unidentified) cases, the latest scientific evidence about therapy that really works, therapy that maybe works, and therapy that is definitely a waste of time and money.

You may choose to remain anonymous. In that case, no one at all can identify you, including Dr. Ransen. The point is that you should feel free to express your true opinions without being concerned about hurting anyone’s feelings.

Who knows what else may crop up here? Surprises are good. Please feel free to tell us what you’d like to see, and we’ll do our very best to accommodate you.