If you’re like me, you are really tired of the B.S. that most “marriage experts” keep spewing out, as if they actually knew what they were talking about. Here’s a typical example I found (with a few of my nasty comments inserted. Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself):

Midlife Divorce: Blame It On Your Parents? Or your teacher, or your aunt, or the school bus driver?

Your parents’ divorce might be setting the stage for your own. Hello? That stage closed 30 years ago! There’s a McDonald’s on that spot today.

Shannon, a 48 year old client of mine, recently explained her “aha” moment when discussing the issues behind her impending divorce. She married her husband because he “completed” her — masking low self-esteem and feelings of not being worthy of love. Pu-leeze!

It wasn’t until after therapy and introspection that she realized she had fallen into a relationship trap: Trying to fill a void of lost love left by her parents’ divorce, and the loss of a relationship with her mother, when she was just 5 years old. Can I take a short nap now?

Seeking a rescue, not a relationship

Shannon considered her husband a real catch. She thought her knight in shining armor cared about her every move. He guided her through life, managed the finances and left all aspects of parenting to her.

You see, when Shannon’s parents divorced, her mother left; her father remarried, but this union did not provide her with the love and nurturing she so desperately needed. Cue the violins. What happened in childhood then, has a significant impact on how romantic relationships are handled now, as an adult. Zzzzzz…

According to Dr. Michelle Mitcham, a professor of counseling and a divorce expert, (I’m no divorce expert; I help people repair marriages) an individual’s self esteem is affected because they feel rejected. (I guess she could use a grammar lesson, too). The loss of the parental relationship due to divorce results in a lack of trust. I wonder how many times Michelle’s been divorced?

“People have different beliefs, and this leaves certain behaviors. If your cognition is on some level, I’m a bad person, or I’m not worthy, or at some level there is something that you think you did to deserve it, the lines get blurred. What messages are you giving yourself, even if they are subliminal?” You following any of this? I’m lost!

Dr. Mitcham helps her patients cope with the loss of a parent, and to heal by working on these 5 significant messages.

1. Look to your family of origin for answers. Great! Now you can repeat all their mistakes.

It is important to resolve any issues that could be playing out in your relationship and are undermining it. For instance, people get into a relationship looking for things that they were missing growing up. If the relationship looks attractive, individuals may leap into it hoping for nurturing and love for themselves without taking the time to really get to know the other person. Slow down and get to know prospective partners. Wow! She needed a PhD to figure that out?

2. Stop repeating the same relationship mistakes. Duh!

People often marry, or get into a relationship for all the wrong reasons. They are looking to feel complete, because they haven’t resolved things in the past. Many times, they don’t feel that they are worthy. Cheek bones too low? Then they find themselves in an unfulfilling relationship, not really sure why they are giving into that relationship. Figure out what you are looking for, and love yourself — you are worthy of love and respect, and worthy of a healthy relationship. Great! That did a lot of good for the Woodstock generation.

3. You don’t have to be less of who you are to be in a good relationship. Huh?

Write out the ideal relationship: What you need in someone that you are compatible with. Good luck finding it. You have to feel complete and feel like you have to stand on your own two feet before you can be happy in that relationship. The other person doesn’t complete you because they are not the answer to your unresolved issues. (That grammar again)

4. Normalize your feelings. Oh? My feelings are abnormal? Should I take an antidepressant?

Uncover your issues and find out what you didn’t receive growing up. Don’t forget that new tricycle you never got. Then you can fix it and move forward, because you understand the why, and how this changes your reactions. Remember you’re not alone: Other people feel this way too. That should make you feel sooo much better.

5. Develop introspection and understanding.

You might want to work with a therapist or do some journaling in all your spare time to help you think through the issues, and what you need to do to fix them. Bottom line is you need to know that you are worthy of love and worthy of a nurturing relationship, and figure out what exactly that looks like to you. Higher cheek bones?

If you rush into a relationship without understanding where you were, then you won’t know where you are going. Huh? Is that like, “wherever you go, there you are?” Take time to understand what you have been through and why. While you may have lost a close loving relationship with a parent, you need to come to terms with that, and develop a loving relationship with yourself. Please, when you figure out how to do that, let me know.

When you move in a positive direction from what you are used to, you very likely will feel some anxiety. Great! Just what I needed: more anxiety. Embrace it. It may sound clichéd but it’s true: You have to truly love yourself, before you can really love someone else. I think I’m gonna cry now.

Dr. Dave

In case you were curious, that’s not at all what couples are told when they seek my help!